


take a shot for you

by taeyeons



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Road Trips, Unrequited Love, Weddings, i may have tagged chanbaek but!!! read to find out, just get ready for pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-13
Updated: 2016-12-13
Packaged: 2018-09-08 08:26:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8837569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taeyeons/pseuds/taeyeons
Summary: Jongin has always been a pawn, a constant. He is never the chosen one.





	

**Author's Note:**

> written for the round 2 of puppiesinlove!!
> 
> warning: awfully lots of pining. and it is: awful. aha  
> b4 any of you doubt my biasedness, i'm jongin biased (1/3 of my exo ults) but that's exactly why i put him thru so much pain. :~) i truly do take care of my biases' feelings.
> 
> i hope u do enjoy my fic!! u can vent ur frustration, etc in the comment section.

Windswept hair, the breeze peeking in from the smallest gap of the window, the reminiscent scent of spring in the air hitting the both of them all at once.

 

It is a bittersweet scent, but Jongin can't stop inhaling it in, drinking it all in.

 

This could easily be a road trip with the love of his life, a trip to discover all the secrets of the universe together.

 

But this is Jongin's life and this love is heavily unrequited, disastrous, self-inflicting and doomed from the beginning.

 

This is how it starts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You can never say no when it comes to him,” Sehun casually comments offhandedly, a hiccup edged at the end of his sentence.

 

 _Ha,_ Jongin wants to laugh at that. He ignores Sehun, circling two fingers around a glass. There's a sheen of sweat on Jongin's temple but he's too busy downing another shot to wipe it off and also, he really doesn't care. This is just Oh Sehun, his best friend. He has seen Jongin at his worst; puking his guts out at three in the morning.

 

And it's about to make a part two in about ten minutes as Jongin dashes into the washroom, heaving over a toilet bowl.

 

He hears the soft sound of Sehun's footsteps padding after him, a fist banging against the door. “Stop calling me out to babysit you. I have an actual job, y'know?”

 

“Sucking dicks doesn't count as a job,” Jongin manages to say before he feels it rising in his throat, threatening to hit the bowl again.

 

He can imagine Sehun scrunching his nose in disgust at him. He feels the kick at his ass as Sehun's voice wades through his ears, “Shut the fuck up. I'll be waiting outside.”

 

Sehun leaves Jongin alone, his head spinning and dizzying with the alcohol sloshing in his system. His chin hits the edge of the toilet bowl and he wonders just how he ends up at a bar every weekend, drinking all the misery away.

 

Jongin thinks of the wedding in a month and the bile rises in his throat again, adding to the pile in the bowl.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jongin officially hates Byun Baekhyun.

 

Alright, not really because Jongin suddenly remembers how the older boy helped him get through history lectures in college and patted his back helpfully through the times he got sick from splurges of alcohol flowing through his body (in comparison to Oh Sehun, he's an angel).

 

But that doesn't change the fact that Jongin still mildly detests Byun Baekhyun at this very second.

 

He stares at the note in his hand, light seeping through the windows of the apartment, brightening the room like a heavy paradox against the words on the paper. Jongin clenches his fist, crushing half of the note and feeling uneasiness settle in his heart like a rock. There is a ring on the table, where it sits as a paper weight on the note. The ring is too familiar for Jongin to not know where it's from. He had seen Chanyeol obsess over it for a while.

 

_Jongin,_

 

_I assume you'd be the first to read this since we are due to meet in the morning. If this isn't you, then, hello whoever you are. Tell Chanyeol I'm sorry._

_My life has been a question mark ever since I've been with Chanyeol and I cannot live like this; uncertain of my feelings and future marriage._

_Thus, this wedding cannot happen._

 

_Best wishes,  
Baekhyun_

 

The words swirl around in front of his vision, Jongin can feel a headache coming on strongly. It prickles at the corners of his mind. Jongin closes his eyes, wishing for the words on the paper to disappear, but it's written in ink. Dark blue ink, impossible to erase. While Jongin understands that Baekhyun was a theatre major, there is no need for him to pull such dramatic antics.

 

This is ridiculous.

 

And stupid.

 

Jongin dials a number on his phone, bottom lip caught underneath his teeth in nervousness. He listens to the dial tone, tapping his fingers against his thigh and pacing around the empty living room.

 

“It's ten in the morning,” a sleepy voice wafts into his ear, and Jongin stops. “This better be good, Jongin.”

 

“Something happened,” is all Jongin could say. He is still gnawing at the flesh of his bottom lip. He can't think of anyone else to call, thus, Junmyeon is on the other end of the line, probably awakened by the panic in Jongin's voice.

 

A pause, he hears rustling on the other end. Junmyeon asks, impatient, “What?”

 

“Baekhyun ran away,” Jongin blurts out, his voice echoes in the empty apartment. Saying it out loud makes it seem even more realistic, cementing it even further.

 

Jongin's throat closes up and he feels himself choking on air.

 

“What?!” This time, Junmyeon mid shouts into his ear. He stutters on his words, “Wh- wha- how? Huh?”

 

“I don't know. Junmyeon, listen– ”

 

“Go check his bedroom, check if all of his stuff are there. Go.”

 

Jongin's feet move on instinct at the sound of Junmyeon's command. He heads towards Baekhyun's room, turning the knob of the door. He is faced with the emptiness of the room except for the bed and remaining furniture, but other than that, it looks awfully uninhabited. Jongin's grip almost slips on the phone he's holding when he spots two boxes labelled ' _Chanyeol's_ ' by the bed.

 

 _Fuck._ Jongin closes his eyes momentarily.

 

“Hey, did you find anything?”

 

Jongin sighs out into the receiver, “Everything's gone except for Chanyeol's things.” His eyes open and the room remains the same; empty. “What do I do?”

 

The same, resigned sigh is echoed by Junmyeon before he answers, “I don't know, kid.”

 

Jongin's head spins, his knuckles are whitened when he tightens his grip on the door knob. Jongin skims through his memories of being in the presence of Baekhyun and Chanyeol, tries to find anything amiss with this engaged couple. If anything, he could remember the amount of times he wanted to run to the toilet bowl and puke out his unrequited love and unreasonable envy so that he could properly move on and live through life without looking at Chanyeol like some kind of lovesick idiot.

 

There's almost no sign of Baekhyun expressing unhappiness with Chanyeol and almost no complaints of being with the elf-eared giant.

 

How is he going to tell Chanyeol this? Jongin strongly detests Baekhyun for dropping this responsibility on him. He _hates_ Baekhyun, forget all past deeds of being a reliable friend during times of alcoholic outbursts and struggles in history class.

 

“I'm coming over,” Junmyeon says on the other end, surprising Jongin out of his thoughts. He hums in response, as Junmyeon continues, “Just sit still. Order some takeout. We'll figure something out.”

 

The call drops and Jongin pulls the phone away from his ear. He lets the door slam behind him with a light thud as he pads towards the living room, shoulders sagged from the stress and exhaustion. A long string of profanities fills his mind when he plops himself down on the couch, head lolling to the side.

 

His stomach grumbles out of nowhere. Jongin rolls his eyes and swallows the scream he has been wanting to let out.

 

Jongin picks up his phone again, he hesitates before pressing the numbers. His stomach grumbles loudly in the room but his salivary glands are dry, Jongin thinks of the idea of food filling his stomach and almost gags on reflex.

 

Maybe not, he puts down his phone and lets out a sigh.

 

And to wait... until the inevitable happens.

 

That is telling Chanyeol that his precious groom-to-be ran the fuck away and dropped this unexpected bomb on everyone.

 

The migraine that comes after is kind of inevitable as well.

 

 

 

 

 

“ _Oh,_ ” is what Junmyeon first says when he sees the empty apartment. “For a second, I thought this could be a prank pulled by you and Baek.”

 

Jongin turns sharply to the elder, slapping the back of his hand at Junmyeon's arm. He doesn't feel an ounce of regret when Junmyeon winces. Jongin seethes, “I'd come up with a better prank than this.”

 

Junmyeon walks around the living room, just like how Jongin paced the floors earlier in distress. His hands are on his hips, lips pursed in frustration. There's a ringing in Jongin's ears and he keeps trying to imagine the expression on Chanyeol's face when he tells him.

 

 _Heartbroken,_ he'd be so heartbroken, Jongin's shoulders drop in heavy realisation of the severity of the situation.

 

“Have you tried calling Baekhyun?” Junmyeon asks.

 

A sigh, “Like ten times. Not even counting those in the morning when I try to wake him up.”

 

“His brother?”

 

“I don't have his number.”

 

“His parents?”

 

“I don't have their numbers either.”

 

“Luhan?”

 

Jongin's eyebrows furrow deeply, confusion waving over his features. “Wait, why Luhan?”

 

Junmyeon shrugs, “I don't know, he's the wedding planner.” He brakes to a stop in front of the television and laments out in frustration with a stomp in his feet, “God, why is Baekhyun so darn dramatic? Must he pull such shitty antics?”

 

“Tell me about it,” Jongin sympathises and hits his head back on the cushion. It doesn't hurt as much as he wanted it to. Maybe... he should fall and hit his head on concrete. Jongin considers the temptation over in his head, trying to mask the anxiety and stop it from breaking out into beads of sweat on his temples again.

 

“What are we going to do?” Jongin feels the panic rising again in his throat, it's not helping him calm down. “Do we try to find him first? Tell Chanyeol? Call the cops? Kill ourselves?”

 

Junmyeon plops down on the sofa next to Jongin, his weight settling in on the cushion. Jongin shifts away as Junmyeon sighs loudly, a gust of air, “Maybe we should try to find Baekhyun first.”

 

Jongin tries not to breathe in the heavy scent of Junmyeon's cologne but it's poking at his nostrils, stinging his senses. He heaves a deep breath of clean air on the other side, “Sure but once we find Baekhyun, I'm beating him up. Chanyeol would probably be widowed before the wedding.”

 

Junmyeon's elbow digs into Jongin's ribs all too sharply, knocking the breath out of his lungs. Jongin levels a glare at Junmyeon which goes ignored as the elder stares straight ahead. His lips are still pursed, this time it's in concentration. Jongin runs around with this useless information on the quirks of his friends.

 

The most useless being Park Chanyeol.

 

“And if we don't...” Junmyeon trails off, his teeth nibbling on his bottom lip. Jongin copies the action, the nerves being the actor of most of his movements. “We have to...”

 

Jongin cuts him off, “I know.”

 

Suddenly, Junmyeon stands up, his fist clenched by his side in determination with a heavy intensity in his gaze. Jongin watches him as he speaks up, “I'll try to contact Baekhyun's parents and brother.” He turns to Jongin with a pointed forefinger nudging at his nose, Jongin scrunches his nose in retaliation. “And _you_ try to ask around for any clues and signs of Baekhyun's whereabouts.”

 

“Since when did this turn into a detective show?”

 

“Got it?” Junmyeon raises an eyebrow expectantly.

 

Jongin holds in the sigh he was going to let out and nods grudgingly, “Yes, sir.”

 

“Good.” Junmyeon gives a nod of finality and stalks off, grabbing his coat. He stares at Jongin one last time to assess his expression and when Jongin shouts out a _“I'll do it, Junmyeon. God, just leave!”_ , Junmyeon gives a small smile of satisfaction. His hand outstretches to pat at Jongin's hair before leaving him in Baekhyun's empty apartment, muttering about some kind of office work he has to get to.

 

He pauses before the door, hand hovering over the knob. There is hesitation along the lines around his mouth. “Don't avoid Chanyeol,” Junmyeon advises gently. “Try to stay strong for him.”

 

Jongin blinks and nods, unable to find any voice in him to reply. The door shuts behind Junmyeon's back and Jongin listens to the ghosts of the apartment, uncertain of his plans for the rest of the day.

 

He momentarily considers alcohol in the morning.

 

This is not good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Winter was ruthlessly cold.

 

It was even colder to Jongin, merciless winds whipping against the safety of his abode. Jongin had been used to wearing his outerwear indoors, his trusty black jacket worn at all times with his scarf tightly woven around his neck. He wasn't fond of leaving the house during winter but even now, he couldn't live in the apartment. Stepping into his apartment felt like living in an igloo.

 

Jongin had overused the Junmyeon card too much and his girlfriend, Joohyun, while she's sweet, Jongin couldn't bear to test her patience.

 

He stared at the heater now, eyes narrowed in frustration. “Work, Goddamnit!” Jongin cursd while kicking his foot against it, wincing when the metal rattled against the heel of his foot.

 

When Sehun gets back, Jongin seethed through his teeth as he jumps into his bed, he was going to make Sehun pay for every single little penny of the repair for the heater. It was bad enough that he had to work for the holidays, now he had to live in an actual igloo with no source of heat.

 

Jongin was going to freeze to death and Sehun was going to come back to a dead corpse rotting the whole apartment. Even then, Sehun would blame Jongin for infecting the place with such a horrendous smell.

 

It was a knock on the door that roused Jongin up from his makeshift fort of blankets and moroseness. He crawled out of the quilted blankets piled on top of each other and shivered when his socked feet hit the marble floor. Practically slugging towards the front door, Jongin barely pulled it open to be hit with more chilly air from outside.

 

Jongin gritted his teeth and focused his vision on the interrupter of his depressing hour.

 

“I brought chicken!” the man on the other side of the door grinned, all teeth on show. There was a plastic bag in hand, most likely holding the boxes of chicken. His voice jolted Jongin awake even further and his vision blurred everything else out.

 

“Chanyeol!” Jongin exclaimed in shock. His lips hurt to move, freezing. “What are you doing here? Didn't you have work?”

 

“Yixing came back,” Chanyeol explained. He pushed past Jongin, shoulders brushing as he entered the apartment. “I'm off for the weekend and- woah, is it cold in here?” Chanyeol turned around, an arm out of the sleeve of his coat, eyebrow raised, “Turn your heater up a bit, will you?”

 

Jongin closed the door behind him and sighed bitterly, “Don't bother taking off your coat, 'Yeol. The heater is dead.” He slouched and continued dramatically, “I'm freezing to death. You are invited to the funeral in two days.”

 

Chanyeol punched at Jongin's arm playfully, chuckling softly, “I'll get it fixed, if you want.”

 

“You'd do that?”

 

“Sure,” Jongin could practically hear the shrug in his voice. “Why not?”

 

Jongin halted in the middle of rustling through the plastic bag of chicken. The smell of seasoned chicken wafted into his nostrils and while on any other day, Jongin would be more distracted by the chicken but today, Park Chanyeol had his entire attention in the palm of his hand.

 

There was sincerity in Chanyeol's irises and Jongin held his breath, telling himself over and over again that this wasn't new, this was so like Chanyeol to offer to pay for his best friend's heater repairs. Jongin isn't special.

 

His heart liked to believe otherwise.

 

“Thank you,” was all Jongin could muster and Chanyeol grinned widely at him, the corners of his lips perked up like a Cheshire cat. Jongin tore his eyes away before he fell even deeper.

 

“Do you have something warm for me to wear?” Chanyeol tugged on his coat, frowning. “It's too big.”

 

It _was_ indeed too big and Jongin chuckled at the way it managed to swallow Chanyeol up when he was such a giant on his own. He nodded before diving into his bedroom to ruffle through his (messy) closet and search for a particular jacket. With his eyes set on a black, woollen jacket he got from his aunt for Christmas last year, Jongin emerged from his bedroom with the jacket in hand.

 

Jongin braked to a stop when he saw Chanyeol lounging on his sofa in a simple white tee and fitted acid washed jeans. He was more familiar with the hoodie-wearing Chanyeol, a hat to cover up the messy, auburn strands of hair, but this Chanyeol? The one dressed with decent wardrobe choices, his auburn bangs swept back continuously by his fingers?

 

A breath was caught in Jongin's throat as his eyes raked over the length of Chanyeol's body before quietly passing the jacket over to Chanyeol.

 

“You still have the Star Wars dvd collection, right?” Chanyeol inquired once he had

the jacket on. It was the perfect fit on him unlike how baggy it is on Jongin.

 

Jongin quirked an eyebrow, “Is that what you came over for? Star Wars?”

 

Chanyeol's face contorted into a frown, whiny. “Sehun has the _entire_ collection. And I bought you chicken to compensate.”

 

Rolling his eyes, Jongin swivelled around again to duck into Sehun's bedroom. Ignoring the banner of 'No intruders allowed!' crossed against the door, he trespassed into Sehun's room, striding straight for the dvd cabinet which is Sehun's one and only pride. Gathering all of the Star Wars dvds in his arms, Jongin carefully padded out of the bedroom, closing the door behind him with a click.

 

Chanyeol was already opening the boxes of chicken. He had somehow stolen the cola from the fridge and there were two glasses filled on the table. Jongin placed the dvds, leaving Chanyeol to sort through and watch whatever he wants. In the circle, Jongin isn't quite the Star Wars geek (unlike Chanyeol, Sehun and Junmyeon). He merely enjoys a guilty pleasure of anime which he shares with Kyungsoo but that's it.

 

It doesn't mean that Jongin's ignorant to the sci-fi series.

 

He has probably watched the series enough times to last him until his afterlife, reincarnation even. With Sehun around all the time, Jongin cannot escape the Star Wars theme starting up in the background almost every single time Sehun's free from whatever endeavour he has outside. Once Jongin tried to hide the dvds behind the washing machine and Sehun almost castrated his cock off.

 

Jongin brought out the blankets from his room because the cold was kicking into his bones. He wrapped a quilted one from his mother around his shoulders and sat cross-legged with his back against the sofa. His eyes were much more focused on the chicken wings than the screen, the sauce sticking to his fingers.

 

With Star Wars as the background noise (well noise to Jongin anyways), silence fell upon them comfortably. Jongin chewed away the bits of chicken, cleaning the bones effortlessly. Instead of watching the movie, Jongin found himself sneaking a few peeks at Chanyeol, chuckling softly at how invested he was in the movie no matter how many times he had watched it.

 

“You said Yix-”

 

“I've been th-”

 

Both of them turned around, sheepishly smiling when their sentences ran into each other unexpectedly. Chanyeol chuckled, the small dimple deepening, “You go first.”

 

“Well...” Chanyeol changed his focus to Jongin, the film in the background all forgotten. “I was just going to ask if Yixing's back permanently?”

 

Chanyeol made an 'o' shape with his mouth and laughed, “Yeah, kind of. I'm back to being his back-up teacher but the elementary is offering me science class with the kids.”

 

Jongin almost spat out a piece of chicken meat. He blinked in surprise, exclaiming, “That's great, 'Yeol!” He trailed off with the excitement simmering, “Right...?”

 

Chanyeol nodded, his Adam apple bobbing in nervousness, “I'm just a bit anxious about it. Science?” Shaking his head, he sighed.

 

Jongin nudged Chanyeol with his elbow, cracking a grin to lift the tension off his shoulders. “You'll do fine.” Jongin assured the giant. “I'll come by to visit and check that you're not setting off any fires.”

 

Chanyeol lodged a punch on Jongin's arm but he missed it by an inch when Jongin foresaw it. Doubling over in laughter, Chanyeol eased into a slow smile, “Thanks.”

 

Putting down the chicken, Jongin leaned back into the sofa cushions and sucked on his forefinger, the sauce sticking to his lips. “So what did you want to talk about?”

 

If Jongin paid attention, he would have seen the way Chanyeol's back straightened at the question, the way his eyebrows were forming a crease in the middle, the way his lips parted and closed, trying to piece the words together.

 

But all of this went unseen as Jongin languidly propped his arms on the sofa and paid attention to his sticky fingers.

 

In the middle of licking a strip of sauce on Jongin's finger, Chanyeol interrupted his thoughts, a knife cutting into the silence, “I've been thinking about marriage. With Baekhyun.”

 

A pin dropped in the distance.

 

Jongin made a startled noise, accidentally biting too hard on his finger. He winced out too loudly, the red mark marring his skin, screaming crimson at his stupidity. Jongin didn't turn around, keeping his head low whilst cradling his finger with the throbbing pain shooting straight to his head. From the bite mark or Chanyeol's words, Jongin wasn't quite certain.

 

“That's...” Jongin's voice cracked on the last syllable and he clears his throat, attempting a smile to send Chanyeol's way. His heart almost sunk at the look of concern covering Chanyeol's features. It was too delicate. “That's great.”

 

And it was great, Jongin forced himself to believe it. Baekhyun has been with Chanyeol for four years now, it's about time too.

 

It's about time that Jongin accepts it too.

 

“Do you think so?” Chanyeol asked, quiet. He's only quiet when he's serious and there's a look of worry on his face. He was overthinking it too much like always, because that's Park Chanyeol. He thinks too much about every single thing that matters to him and holds his breath for far too long before jumping in.

 

Jongin smiled wider, it dug into his cheekbones unpleasantly, “Go for it, 'Yeol.”

 

Chanyeol's fingers rimmed the droplets on his glass of cola, “You don't think he's going to say no?”

 

“He'd be a fool to do so.”

 

A moment of silence passed as Chanyeol took his reply in stride. Jongin wondered if he was the first person Chanyeol told this to. He could easily see how nervous Chanyeol was, with how his nails were picking with the threads of his jeans (a habit he has never get rid of since young) and how his eyes were downcast. It was not a far fetched visual of the two at the altar and for a second, Jongin thought the imagery does look sweet.

 

Jongin could learn to be happy for Chanyeol. And he will be.

 

“But...” Chanyeol looked up, finally catching his gaze ever since he dropped the bomb. “You'd be my best man, right?”

 

Jongin blinked.

 

He wanted to say no for his sanity (he didn't really want to be involved in the wedding that much if it happens) but with one look at Chanyeol's expression, Jongin knew he can't really say it. This was also a habit he can't get rid of since young and it seems that it only applies to Park Chanyeol. There was so much hope on Chanyeol's face and it broke Jongin to say either yes or no.

 

So Jongin did Chanyeol a favor and only broke one heart today.

 

“That's what best friends are for,” Jongin assured him. It was his own heart he threw into the ravaging ocean. _And also for heartbreaks_ was what Jongin added in his thoughts.

 

As the sun set in the brightest grin presented by Chanyeol, Jongin somehow felt better because this was what he had to do. This is the kind of shit he signed up for as a best friend; watching your best friend fall in love, staying supportive throughout, being present at your best friend's wedding, possibly being the godfather of your best friend's offspring. While Jongin doesn't really want to do these things, he can't really say no to Park Chanyeol.

 

Because it's his fatal flaw.

 

Because he wants Chanyeol happy no matter what, even though his heart is in danger.

 

Thus, Jongin raised his glass of cola to knock lightly against Chanyeol's with a forced smile (but he hopes Chanyeol can't tell even after years of knowing him), “Here's to your future with Baekhyun!”

 

“And to you as my groomsman if this works out,” Chanyeol's smile was softening at the edges and his eyes held a glint.

 

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun said yes a week and a half later.

 

It was all too predictable; Junmyeon passed a twenty dollar bill to Sehun and he cursed at Baekhyun for saying yes. (He made a bet that Chanyeol would have to try two more times to get Baekhyun's approval).

 

The ring was simple; a silver band with a single white gem in the middle for both of them. Jongin had helped Chanyeol pick it out.

 

Jongin cheered for them as enthusiastically as he could and Baekhyun kissed his cheek in thanks for him being supportive whilst Chanyeol crushed both of them in a hug.

 

This was the story that Jongin foresaw to end in flames (only on his part).

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jongin spins in his armchair, scratching absently at the work desk, trying to ignore the reality of the moment.

 

“Did you call Baekhyun's parents?”

 

“I did,” Jongin heaves an exasperated sigh. And he really did call Baekhyun's parents. Before leaving his apartment the other day, Jongin had the thought of searching throughout the place for any clues and he struck gold when he found a small notepad where Baekhyun jotted down numbers; a habit that reminded Jongin of his late grandmother. Then, he told Junmyeon that he'd do the task of calling Baekhyun's parents.

 

Calling Baekhyun's parents at first was a decision he procrastinated for hours.

 

It wasn't easy at first; Jongin spent those hours at the dance academy, pretending to be immersed in a few routines for his students, but somehow Junmyeon's words kept haunting him until he went back home. Facing Sehun wasn't easy either; he had to keep the secret of Baekhyun's absence all to himself until Junmyeon and him figure it out.

 

So that was how Jongin snuck out of the apartment with an excuse of visiting the convenience store for a pack of cigarettes and his phone clutched in his hand.

 

Baekhyun's mother, as Jongin always remembered her from high school days of staying late at Baekhyun's house with examinations pushing their noses deep into their books, was sweet and elated at Jongin's surprise call. He felt bad then, for merely calling about Baekhyun, and promptly saved her as a contact in his phone to call more often. After all, he wasn't a stranger to any of his friends' parents and he should learn to take initiative often.

 

It took him about three minutes to summarise his life and relay it to Baekhyun's mother but right after, when he asked about Baekhyun, she was nothing but confused ( _“Isn't he preparing for the wedding with Chanyeol? He called a few days ago and told me that he was doing fine. Is something wrong, Jonginnie?”_ ).

 

Junmyeon's humming brings Jongin back from the recent memory and he wonders aloud, “Does that mean Baekhyun will return?”

 

“You read the note. I'm sure he's not,” Jongin reminds the elder. “I just don't get it... Lying to his mother?”

 

“He probably has his own plan.”

 

Jongin shakes his head but then, he remembers that it's a phone call. “I don't think so. Baekhyun is naturally impulsive.”

 

 _But he's not unreasonable,_ a voice reminds him. It's the reason why Jongin feels utterly uneasy about Baekhyun's sudden departing letter. Baekhyun never does anything without reason, he may dive in headfirst and get hurt but he's rarely obstructive.

 

“We've tried every outlet, Junmyeon,” Jongin continues. “What now?”

 

The answer that comes after a hesitant pause is almost expectant and even though Jongin saw it coming, he still doesn't want to deal with it.

 

“You have to tell Chanyeol.”

 

Jongin can almost hear the cracks of Chanyeol's heart when he tells him, the cut gushing out blood from the knife. He has to prepare a first aid kit to patch Chanyeol back together, to piece his heart like a puzzle settling into place. This is the job he has been entailed to.

 

He holds in his breath. It has to happen sooner or later, there's no way they can keep it from Chanyeol any longer. Jongin hears Junmyeon's breathing on the other end and he bites onto his lip, closing his eyes, feeling the burden of the job weigh on his wide set of shoulders. He slouches inwardly and carries the burden in his heart, keeps his own words locked away.

 

“I know,” Jongin repeats.

 

“Make sure you're th-”

 

“There for Chanyeol, I get it.” Jongin interrupts Junmyeon's expecting words. He lets go of his bottom lip. “I am always there for him.”

 

He listens to how Junmyeon heave a soft sigh, almost sympathetically. “I know,” Junmyeon echoes Jongin's words back at him. “But he needs you more than ever.”

 

Jongin swallows thickly, feeling the words he wants to say get choked up in his throat. This is ridiculous and it's all Baekhyun's fault.

 

“Just get back to Joohyun,” Jongin pokes at Junmyeon's weakness and almost lets out a chuckle at the way Junmyeon sputters on the other end. “I'll handle this.”

 

“Call me if anything goes wrong,” Junmyeon says quietly. “Call me still afterwards, no matter what.”

 

Jongin smiles despite the conflicting feelings he keeps deep within whirling like a storm anew. That's Junmyeon, always a step further, always looking out for him. Jongin assures the elder two more times and the call drops, the dial tone beeping in his ear like a reminder of what he has to do.

 

Even when his phone is lowered from his ear, the tone rings through his eardrums, unable to shake it off.

 

_when you're done with work, let me know. gotta talk to u bout smth_

 

Numbness seeps in and Jongin pretends to not pay attention to his phone as he spins around the kitchen, cooking his meal of the day; nothing else but ramen.

 

The phone rings an answer and Jongin ignores for the time being.

 

 

 

 

 

 

_okaaay i'm done at 5 so come over if u want ^__^_

 

 

 

 

Shivers are constantly wrecking Jongin from the tail of his spine to the nape, clenching around his bones in its cold grip. It's spring but yet somehow, Jongin finds himself face to face with the chilly air surrounding him. He stands before the door to Chanyeol's apartment unit and a few recognisable neighbours have passed by, waving at him with a smile if they do remember him, giving a stink eye if they don't.

 

It almost feels a bit nostalgic of the time Jongin stood before this door five years ago, thinking he stood a chance after pondering over every single memory in mind. It was stupid, he wish he could have told his younger self then to turn around and head straight home before his hopes get drenched by cold, merciless reality. He even had the entire speech planned out, the entire ordeal in his head to play out, but when the actors came together, it went a little off course.

 

Jongin left with a bigger crack in his heart that he usually nurses and the apologetic smile on Baekhyun's face haunting his week after.

 

Baekhyun and Chanyeol were practically inseparable before dating, but once it became official, they became even more insufferable. To quote Oh Sehun's words of wisdom: it was like watching a sitcom every time you're in their presence, with the sickening display of affection and typically dramatic, tear-jerking arguments. Jongin couldn't argue with that, he was (and _is_ ) at fault for distancing himself away from Chanyeol.

 

Jongin's had enough cracks in his heart to last him till reincarnation, there's no need to deepen the zig-zagged lines by witnessing Chanyeol with Baekhyun stuck at the hip (like they used to be).

 

He takes a deep breath now, his ribcage constricting tighter than earlier, the flood of feelings locked behind a barely sturdy gate. Jongin presses on the doorbell, hearing the echo of it through the apartment faintly. He only wastes one more minute before the door parts to reveal Chanyeol with his mussed up, wet hair from the shower he has clearly taken.

 

There's a droplet running down the length of Chanyeol's neck and Jongin catches it with his gaze but he looks away, his throat closing up again. “Hi,” he barely gets out, hoarse and unused. “You took a shower.”

 

“Hey,” Chanyeol smiles at him and this is more difficult than ever. “Come in.” He steps aside, waiting for the younger to slide into the apartment.

 

Jongin's shoulder brushes against Chanyeol's chest and it's this; these tiny details that Jongin would pore over later like a lovesick idiot and Sehun would cackle at him over it with their alcohol-dipped breaths and late night noise blocking their ears.

 

“You wanted to talk to me about something?” Chanyeol lifts an eyebrow questioningly. Why won't Jongin's throat open up? Why is the air so dusty in here? “Is it about the wedding? Do we need to practice how to handle the rings?”

 

If Jongin wasn't so drowned in utter fear, he would be smacking the back of his hand against Chanyeol's arm for making fun of his clumsy tendencies.

 

The door closes behind Chanyeol with a click and this is it, the end of the end. Jongin's eyes drift from the concern in Chanyeol's irises to the painting of a windmill he bought on impulse from the streets.

 

Junmyeon was wrong; this isn't right, this is the most difficult thing Jongin will ever have to do and it's saying a lot after he has gone through an immense amount of heartbreaks, a successful proposal and an upcoming wedding he had to be the best man for.

 

Jongin can't say it like this when Chanyeol's looking so hopeful.

 

“Have y-you...” Jongin clears his throat when he stutters. He clenches his fists and unclenches. “Have you heard anything from Baekhyun lately?”

 

Chanyeol rubs his cleanly shaven stubble, “Not really. Luhan did contact me in the morning, asking me to pass the message to Baekhyun to confirm his guest list but I haven't had the time.”

 

Jongin nods, his gaze is still fixated on the painting.

 

“I'm just assuming he's busy with work,” Chanyeol shrugs. “Producing a play takes up time, I suppose.”

 

Then, the worry begins to slip through, “Why... is there something wrong?”

 

 _Yes there is,_ Jongin almost says through heavy breathing. _There's two weeks to your wedding and the groom-to-be is missing in action._

 

When Jongin remains mute, the crease between Chanyeol's eyebrows deepens further, the lines rippling through his forehead. He takes a step closer to Jongin whom automatically steps back, his ass hitting the sofa's arm rest. The concern is even more embedded in Chanyeol's features. Jongin feels like exploding when he pokes at Jongin's cheeks gently, asking more questions.

 

“Baekhyun's gone,” Jongin finds himself blurting out suddenly. Chanyeol's finger stutters at Jongin's cheek, digging into his skin. “He has been gone for two days. He left a note and I...”

 

Chanyeol's nail scratches against Jongin's cheek and Jongin finds that the pain doesn't hurt as much as the silence. He's too afraid to look up from his feet, the wooden floor has never looked more appealing to hit his head against. The weight in his chest tugs his heart even lower than before, the air isn't clearer to breathe like he thought, nothing is as he thought.

 

Once again, for the millionth time, Jongin finds himself shifting his hatred to Baekhyun for his dramatic antics.

 

“A note?” Chanyeol's voice is so painfully quiet. If the apartment wasn't already quiet, Jongin wouldn't have heard him (or maybe he still would have because he pays attention to every single detail).

 

Jongin digs into his jacket pocket, pulling out the folded note, crumpled once by his act of frustration. He passes it to Chanyeol silently and he can't bear to watch the emotions splatter against Chanyeol's face upon reading the note. His face is clear as day, the canvas has no idea of hiding its emotions.

 

Yet, he still sneaks a peek stubbornly, and he causes even more heartbreak for himself.

 

Jongin could possibly recite the note in his sleep, it's not one of his favourable talents but it haunts him every single hour of the day, a burden he has to carry. Passing it along to Chanyeol isn't something Jongin's proud of, witnessing how the stages of heartbreak splash against his face.

 

Chanyeol's eyes. Jongin can hear the cracks practically echoing throughout the apartment. His eyes are misty, threatening to fall if he blinks hard. He's biting onto his bottom lip too harshly, Jongin can see the way the flesh is caught between his teeth and the dry skin will peel off, blood will spill and it's not close to the pain he feels deep inside.

 

The note is clenched at the corners by Chanyeol's hands and he's trembling all over. Jongin stands, unmoving. His hand jerks, almost to stretch itself to comfort Chanyeol but he moves an inch away, and then another inch and away from Jongin. He's shaking his head too almost in disbelief, Jongin's fingers curl inwards.

 

A tear falls.

 

“I'm sorry,” Chanyeol says to Jongin but it feels empty, devoid of any emotion. The note is further crumpled in his hands and he spins around in his heel, moving albeit too fast to his bedroom. The slam of the door is deafening in Jongin's ears but nothing is close to the sinking sensation in his chest at the sight of Chanyeol's tears.

 

 _No,_ Jongin wanted to say but his tongue is caught between his teeth. _I'm sorry._

 

 

 

 

 

 

Days blur together and time loses its hold on Jongin's consciousness.

 

But Jongin is not the only one.

 

Jongin frankly doesn't know how long has it been since Chanyeol locked himself in his bedroom. His guess is three days, could be four days because he's getting missed calls from Sehun and he would only notice his absence on a weekend.

 

The only signs of life within the bedroom is when Jongin hears the water running in the adjoined bathroom, the rustling of socked footsteps on the wooden floor, a bit of sobbing if Jongin strains his ears. Thankfully, Chanyeol has clean clothes hung up in the kitchen which Jongin leeches off for the time being. He tries to cook simple things; scrambled eggs, toast, ramen, porridge, etc for Chanyeol to eat. Then, he leaves the apartment for a few hours to take a smoke outside the building.

 

The cigarette pack is running out and so is time.

 

Junmyeon left a missed call today, Jongin realises when he checks his phone. There are a million text messages that Jongin doesn't bother to open. He scrolls idly through emails instead, barely interested in any of the subscriptions flooding his inbox. There's an email from his fellow colleague, Taemin, and Jongin doesn't bat an eyelash at it.

 

Jongin rakes through his mind, wondering and worrying like the past few days. Miraculously, Jongin hasn't had a breakdown. He has to stay headstrong after all, it's his best friend breaking down behind locked doors, it's his job to patch him back together if needed.

 

But it's definitely not easy. At all. Jongin is human, after all.

 

A tear slips when he blinks and he quickly wipes it away, fixating his gaze intensely on the road traffic before he could choke up in sobs.

 

Jongin drags out one last puff before stubbing it into the trash bin and heading back into the apartment building. He digs his pockets out for the keys and unlocks his way back into Chanyeol's unit. The lights are strangely switched on, which Jongin would have sworn that he switched off before heading out. The food on the table is actually gone and Jongin notices the dishes at the kitchen sink.

 

The door to Chanyeol's bedroom opens.

 

“Chanyeol?” Jongin whispers softly, approaching the latter quietly.

 

Redness line his eyes in angry, harsh gashes. There's splotches of dried tears on his cheeks. that Jongin wants to rub over, scrubbing all remnants of sadness away if he could. Amidst the bright warning signs, the biggest is the huge grin plastered on his face, resembling the sunny day outside, even though nothing is okay at the moment.

 

“Jongin, there you are!” Chanyeol shouts excitedly, hugging Jongin tightly. The scent of sleep wafts into Jongin's nostrils, he notices the dryness of Chanyeol's lips. “I have a great idea.”

 

Jongin furrows his eyebrows. This is...so unlike Chanyeol. Did he somehow experience amnesia whilst he was in there?

 

The Chanyeol he knows would have been slouching out of the bedroom, curling inwards on the sofa, playing a marathon of whatever movie series he has on demand, drinking through an entire pack of beer without properly thinking. Jongin was prepared to nurse both a hangover and a heartbreak...not this.

 

“Let's go on a road trip!”

 

Chanyeol has lost his mind definitely.

 

There's no other explanation, Jongin thinks, for this kind of craziness. There is a deranged look in Chanyeol's irises and it scares Jongin a bit of how wide his grin is, all his canines on show.

 

“Chanyeol, are you okay?” Jongin presses the back of his hand against Chanyeol's forehead. Odd. No fever. “Baekhyun's _gone._ We have no time for a road trip whatsoever.”

 

The spark in Chanyeol's eyes brighten even further, scaring Jongin more. “Exactly!” he squeezes Jongin's shoulders, the warmth seizing Jongin all at once. “We're going to find him!”

 

Jongin steps backward but he finds that he can't, due to Chanyeol's tight grip on him. He cocks his head at Chanyeol, assessing his features thoroughly. There are tears at the corners of his eyes, though Jongin isn't sure if it's from recent events or sleep deprivation. Excitement is purely written on the planes of Chanyeol's face, like the day he was planning the wedding date with Baekhyun.

 

It's so wayward, odd and Jongin is concerned.

 

He narrows his eyes, “Are...you sure? How about the wedding?”

 

Chanyeol waves it off, chirping happily, “I called Luhan! We postponed it to the 5th and he's taking in charge of rewriting guest invitations, everything.” He then sighs in a blissful tone. “What a great lad.”

 

“Chanyeol,” Jongin begins carefully. He measures the weight of his words on the tip of his tongue. “Did you not read the note properly? Baekhyun doesn't want the wedding anymore.”

 

“But we can find him and I'll change his mind!” Chanyeol's lips turn downwards in a tiny frown. “I can do that.”

 

Jongin's mind goes blank. Chanyeol looks so dead set on this idea of a road trip that Jongin can't possibly knock some sense into his head, especially when his hope is intertwined with it. Chanyeol looks so hopeful, that it wrenches Jongin's heart to try to remind him of the reality they are in.

 

He's not that certain if Baekhyun would change his mind after such a sudden departure.

 

But Jongin can't do anything else.

 

“So will you be coming along?” Chanyeol smiles at Jongin, all too hopeful again that it breaks him to say no. “Please?”

 

He even threw in the puppy dog eyes to throw Jongin off his path. Damn it.

 

“ _You can never say no to him,” Sehun laughed, adding salt to his wounds even more. “It's one of your fatal flaws.”_

 

Jongin smiles, unease slipping into the uplifted corners. Throwing himself bare onto the train tracks, he swallows anxiously, “Sure, 'Yeol. Anything for you and Baek.”

 

The smile that Chanyeol is brighter than ever and Jongin mildly forgets what he's getting himself into once again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“You said _what?_ ” Sehun exclaims in shock, before doubling over in loud guffaws. It eerily sounds like the ' _I told you so_ ' Jongin had been expecting from the latter and he jumps in before Sehun could even utter those annoying words to inflict more pain on his fresh wounds.

 

“Shut the hell up, Sehun,” Jongin spits. The migraine is wrecking his head over and the white noise of the traffic isn't sustaining it either. He groans out, “What the fuck do I do?”

 

“Maybe you can change his mind during the road trip by fucking him?” Sehun jests, Jongin's fist aches to punch the younger. “That'd be fruitful.”

 

“I'm not like you.”

 

“Why are you not tired of _this_?” Sehun recovers from his laughter. Jongin thinks he's not referring to his weak attempts of making backhanded comments at Sehun's life. “Do you find some sadistic joy in all of this?”

 

Jongin is about five seconds away from throwing his phone into the oncoming traffic but it wouldn't feel as satisfactory as throwing Sehun out of the window.

 

He rubs at his temples, “I'm not a sadist. I just... I can't sa–”

 

“You can't say no,” Sehun finishes it for Jongin. “I know that all too well, Jongin. If I recall, I'm the one who said that.”

 

Jongin kicks at a pebble on the pavement idly. Everything feels so frustrating and ridiculous to Jongin, he doesn't get why he's smack dab in the middle of this. It's not even _his_ fault yet Baekhyun has to make him a part of this somehow. He didn't know what to do after he agreed to joining Chanyeol on the road trip. The taller boy practically shoved Jongin out of his apartment, claiming that he'd come by his apartment in the morning to pick him up.

 

“ _You have to pack your stuff and all!” Chanyeol pushes at Jongin's shoulders. “It'll be fun and we'll find Baekhyun, I'm sure!”_

 

Jongin did the next thing he could think of; calling Sehun to cry his woes out to, before actually heading back to the apartment. He doesn't feel like heading back so early, he feels like drinking. Jongin chuckles to himself, this must be him tailing Sehun out for drinks again.

 

“Why are you being so mighty over this? You should be comforting me!”

 

“Oh, you know that's not why you called me,” Sehun rubs his knowing tone into Jongin's wounds, it stings far too much. “If that's what you wanted, you'd call Junmyeon or Jongdae.”

 

“They have lives, unlike you.”

 

Sehun ignores that remark, “You called me because you wanted to hear my wise and honest advice.” Jongin snorts at that but he strangely can't deny it either.

 

“If that's what you think... what's your advice, o' wise one?” Jongin asks, finding his lips curl upwards naturally for the first time in days.

 

There's a pause on the other end and then, Sehun's voice comes through, all too serious and devoid of the playfulness before. “Stop doing this to yourself, Jongin.”

 

“Stop beating yourself up over Chanyeol. He's not as worth it as you think.”

 

A heavy lump sits in Jongin's throat whilst hearing these words. It's not quite the first time he hears it; there are times when he's drunk and Sehun's gentle words waft through the pounding noise of their surroundings, hitting him all at once through his drunkenness.

 

Jongin stays quiet on his end, there's nothing he could say to that and Sehun knows that all too well because he sighs at the lack of response. With a sigh, Sehun merely says, “Come home. There's a box of donuts, you can eat your worries away.”

 

“Not spiked with anything?”

 

Sehun snorts, “That prank is so last year.”

 

Jongin laughs, loud and clear in the evening air and he is smiling softly when he says, “Thanks.”

 

“For what?”

 

The pebble skips over a few times before Jongin steps forward, journeying through the bodies rushing to get home. He's shifting through the crowd, the sun dawns on them and Jongin mildly forgets the nightmare waiting for him.

 

“For being an asshole like always.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I was thinking of visiting his parents first. Maybe he's sleeping there or they know something...”

 

It's ten in the morning.

 

Jongin usually wakes up at noon or after and on his work days, it'd be a miracle for him to be on time at nine in the morning. His students were never fazed by it, Jongin has guided them enough to keep them occupied and independent if there's ever an obstacle for classes. But here he is, in Chanyeol's car somehow, on a road trip to get Baekhyun back.

 

Chanyeol showed up at the apartment earlier than expected and Jongin didn't even realise it until he walked out of his bedroom, shirtless and only clad in pyjama bottoms, meeting his gaze across the living room.

 

Sehun was sitting on the couch, sifting through a fashion magazine with the television switched on as white noise, as Chanyeol awkwardly sits on the other end while scrolling through his phone.

 

“Jongin, your ride is here,” Sehun had greeted Jongin casually without lifting his eyes off the pages of the magazine. “Get dressed and get out before Chanyeol's cologne chokes me till my last breath.”

 

Jongin mused, watching how Chanyeol sputtered in surprise at Sehun's sudden jab and turning around on his heel to take a quick shower. He told Chanyeol to just stay in the car and he would seek him out after he was done getting ready.

 

Chanyeol never looked more relieved.

 

It wasn't until Jongin was buckled up in the passenger seat, hair still wet from the shower, that Chanyeol announced that he had done the liberty of calling the dance academy to get Jongin off work for a few days.

 

“I could have done that myself,” Jongin muttered as Chanyeol put the car into drive, accelerating.

 

“Yeah but knowing you, you would have forgotten,” and as Jongin turned to face Chanyeol with a glare, it slipped away at the soft, fond smile on Chanyeol's face with his eyes looking straight ahead at the road.

 

Jongin shut up after that.

 

It's things like this that Jongin can't keep Chanyeol out of his mind, constantly running over every important thing in his head with his clumsiness and tall physique, taking up the capacity of his mind relentlessly. Like his younger self, Jongin can't kick out of his habit of pondering over every little thing Chanyeol says.

 

It's a tiring habit to keep.

 

“I've called his mother, 'Yeol.” Jongin says to Chanyeol now when he's turning the car into the highway, already on the way to Bucheon. “I don't think Baekhyun's parents know where he is or what he has done.”

 

“Still worth a try.”

 

Jongin swivels around in his seat, the seatbelt digging into his shoulder blades. His throat is becoming dry, it must be the slight heat in the air but deep inside, as he looks at Chanyeol, he knows that that's not the case.

 

“Do you really think Baekhyun would come back with you?” Jongin didn't want to ask this but he had to. They are already speeding down the highway, too late to turn back of course but not too late to think over it properly.

 

“He will,” Chanyeol promptly answers. His jaw is set. He hasn't looked at Jongin since they were in his driveway. “He has to,” is what Chanyeol whispers under his breath but it's loud in Jongin's ears.

 

Jongin notices Chanyeol's knuckles whitening around the steering wheel and he drops his gaze, looking away. His heart feels like it's constricting, sharp edges digging into the flesh. It's not an unfamiliar feeling, but so unwelcoming that Jongin curls inwardly in his seat and sets his head by the leather of the seat.

 

He clicks on the button, creating a gap in the window to let the wind in. The background noise of vehicles driving by, along with the chirping of the birds, sounds of nature filling his ears and soothing his pounding heart. Jongin momentarily loses himself in nothing and everything at once. The wind rustles his hair, the scent of spring is faintly greeting him.

 

Jongin has yet to call Junmyeon to explain things, his messages clogging up Jongin's phone with (light) threats. Jongin simply texted, _“going on a road trip with cy to find baek. talk to u later”_ , so he doesn't blame Junmyeon for being so inquisitive and demanding.

 

If Jongin closes his eyes and slips into the veil of dreams, he could almost pretend that this is a spontaneous trip with the love of his life. Eloping across the country, barely informing anyone else, with only a few nights worth of clothes and necessities in their bags. Drinking in the spring air, spending nights together under the same sky, breathing in each other's heavy gazes.

 

Jongin can only pretend.

 

His phone pings with another text message from Junmyeon. Jongin pretends once again, to not see it and closes his eyes. Sleep always comes easy to him (thankfully) and even when there is sweat sticking to his nape, Jongin is dragged under sleepiness and drifts off immediately.

 

It's rocky, but Jongin is used to it.

 

He doesn't know how much time has passed by but he is soon aroused from sleep by a hand on his shoulder, gently shaking him. Jongin can barely register the words being spoken to him, let alone his surroundings. He forgets for a second and when Chanyeol's face comes into focus, clearer than day, Jongin remembers all too painfully.

 

“We're here, Jongin,” Chanyeol declares as his gaze shifts towards the window and Jongin follows his line of vision groggily.

 

Rubbing at his cheek while yawning, Jongin's eyes adjust to the sunlight streaming into the car, hot on the leather seat. Baekhyun's parents' house stands before them, exactly just like how he remembered. Jongin finds himself unbuckling his seatbelt and pushing the car door open to look at the house properly.

 

It all feels so nostalgic and Jongin is transported to the memories of his adolescent years where he used to run down the pavement of Baekhyun's house, away from the incoming snowballs, and slip on the too smooth surface. Jongin had made a mess of the pots lining on the sides and Baekhyun had to attend to the disaster whilst Chanyeol pressed a bag of ice to Jongin's stained knees.

 

It felt like falling all over again in the moment.

 

And the bruises stayed, permanent till this day.

 

Jongin stumbles forward, teeth gnawing on his bottom lip. Thinking of Baekhyun's mother, the thought of witnessing heartbreak on a face again, he stays rooted to the ground. He senses Chanyeol stepping closer to him and if he turns, Jongin's sure to see the concern written in the lines of his mouth when he should be directing it to himself.

 

“I can't go in,” Jongin says. He feels Chanyeol still next to him. “I'll wait in the car, search for a nearby motel.”

 

A hand closes in on Jongin's shoulder and he braces himself for the look on Chanyeol's face but he's surprised by a smile.

 

“You don't have to.. accompany me,” Chanyeol assures Jongin but he feels like the wound on his heart is worsening. “I can do it by myself, y'know. After all, it is my fiancée who's missing.”

 

Saying no, Jongin realises, doesn't feel as good as he thinks it does.

 

But he stays in the car anyway, does what he promised to (there are lot of guesthouses in the area) and hums a song to keep his mind off reality for a while. Jongin finds it's fruitless when his mind keeps playing flashbacks of the times he spent in Baekhyun's house.

 

Chanyeol stands before the car for a bit too long, his gaze is too lingering on Jongin and it burns too much. _Don't do this,_ Jongin warns weakly, _you are messing with my head again._ His lips pull upwards into a reassuring smile, looking upon Jongin's worry and Chanyeol walks away, hands in pockets and his head lower than intended. He presses on the doorbell and Jongin looks away.

 

Jongin hides, locks the smile away into a box in his mind.

 

This is not his mess to fix after all.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Baekhyun's mother pulls Chanyeol into a crushing hug, Jongin notices the tears on her face, jabbing him straight in the chest. Baekhyun's father pats Chanyeol on his back and nods at him.

 

Chanyeol turns on his heel, walking down the pavement, waving back at the couple.

 

Jongin ducks his head and pretends to sleep.

 

 

 

 

It is right outside of Bucheon.

 

Simple and unexpectedly homey, Jongin adapts to the motel quickly. It's an old married couple handling the business and the elderly man chatters with Chanyeol the whole time through the transaction. Their warm smiles welcome them nicely and Jongin's smile is tight when they comment on Chanyeol and Jongin being cute together.

 

Chanyeol never said anything.

 

Jongin closes the door behind him and hears Chanyeol plops onto the bed, his entire weight pulling the mattress down. It's cooler in the evening, and Jongin lets Chanyeol tackle the showers first (he has been driving all day, it's only fair). He fiddles with his phone, frowning at the low battery mark and the mountain of messages from Junmyeon.

 

Jongin's too exhausted to talk to anyone.

 

So he tries to settle in, lays out his night clothes and drinks a bottle of water from the mini fridge. Chanyeol finally emerges from the bathroom a good fifteen minutes later and Jongin quickly ducks in, clothes in hand, without looking at him in the eye. He pushes the visual of Chanyeol with only a towel wrapped around his waist out of his head, but it's so hard. Jongin bangs his head on the tiled wall and bathes in the warmth, soaking himself in the heat, untying the knots in his bones. He does a quick fix when he can and Jongin sighs out, the tension leaving his hands and cock. The steam clogs up the mirror but Jongin doesn't mind.

 

“I ordered drinks and some fish and chips,” Chanyeol greets Jongin from his bed. “If you don't want the fish and chips, I can ask to change.”

 

“Uh, that's fine,” Jongin replies, manually drying his hair on his towel. “But drinks?”

 

Chanyeol nods slowly, “Yeah... beer.”

 

Jongin lowers his towel, furrowing his eyebrows, “We're getting... drunk tonight?”

 

“Hopefully,” is what Chanyeol answers, looking away, dropping his gaze to his phone.

 

His eyebrows clench even further and Jongin drops his towel, padding towards Chanyeol's bed. Without asking for permission, Jongin settles next to Chanyeol in bed, cross-legged. Chanyeol looks up, the exhaustion is written all over his features. Without even thinking, Jongin's hand is lifted, thumb smoothing out the lines around Chanyeol's mouth tenderly.

 

Jongin is so focused on the plumpness of Chanyeol's lips, the bitten marks scarring the bottom lip. He almost didn't hear Chanyeol's whisper. Jongin's hand cups Chanyeol's cheeks absent-mindedly and he shifts his focus to the look in Chanyeol's irises, breathless from the intensity. Jongin can almost see himself in Chanyeol's dark brown irises, falling into the ocean, grasping at the corners to revive.

 

“I'm okay,” Chanyeol whispers again. His mouth moves against Jongin's thumb. “You can't stop worrying about me, can you?”

 

A chuckle slips and Jongin is so endeared by the sound but then panic settles into his heart and he pulls his hands away, alarmed. His eyes fall to his lap, fiddling with his thumbs. The touch of Chanyeol's lips linger on his skin. Jongin sneaks a peek and he finds that Chanyeol's gaze is unwavering like before.

 

It burns too much and Jongin _wants_ to be set on fire.

 

“Room service!” Jongin jumps away from Chanyeol at the sudden booming voice outside of their room. Chanyeol finally moves his gaze towards the door and gets up to attend to it. Jongin finally lets out the breath he has been holding in.

 

Jongin bites the inside of his cheek, the words Chanyeol said ringing in his ears. Chanyeol's lips. Chanyeol's heavy gaze.

 

 _Something,_ Jongin doesn't understand, can't decipher the lingering gazes, the words slipping, the smiles.

 

His hands are trembling and when Chanyeol calls his name, he shakes his head. Jongin is reaching for a pack of cigarettes in his bag and he tucks it into his pockets. Brushing past Chanyeol's shoulder, ignoring the jolt in his stomach, Jongin mumbles around an excuse, “Just going out for air, leave the food on the table.”

 

Jongin steps out and breathes in properly.

 

Fumbling around in the hallways, Jongin finds a fire escape and hangs around in there. His hands poise over the railing, eyes taking in the splendid view of the busy streets and nebula blue sky. It's refreshing, Jongin takes a swig of his cigarette. The smoke gathers in his lungs and he calmly lets out a puff. It's almost relaxing to be doing a routine he has done for years, a habit that is so hard to break out of when his anxiety levels hit an all high. Jongin can't say he hasn't tried though, but somehow, he keeps returning to the sticks once a month.

 

Smoke circles around the air in grey puffs, his nose itches from the suffocating scent.

 

 _What was he thinking,_ Jongin's hand clenches around the railing, the metal digs into his palm. Chanyeol has a fiancée, he's chasing after him, Jongin has no place in his life no longer. He is merely 'Best friend Kim Jongin' in Chanyeol's contacts and it'd stay that way until the world caves in on itself and the skies fall upon the ground. Baekhyun is _the one_ , not him.

 

Not anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The cigarette tastes bitter.

 

Not as bitter as the sight of drunk Chanyeol.

 

“You're back finally!” Chanyeol slurs, raising his hands in the air, grinning so wide.

 

A single lighted lamp shines in the dark, shadows dance along the planes of Chanyeol's face. The yellow hue brings out the cloudiness of his irises, his lips stained with alcohol. When Jongin inches closer, he notices the wetness of Chanyeol's cheeks, evidence of tears spilling out while he was gone. There are beer cans strewn all over the carpeted floor, the room reeks of the cheap beer.

 

“You're drunk,” Jongin says stupidly. He rubs his palm against Chanyeol's cheek wiping the tears away. Chanyeol merely sits there, watching Jongin with an entranced expression on his face.

 

Jongin breathes in sharply when Chanyeol leans his cheek against his palm, a hand closing around the circle of his wrist comfortably. Chanyeol's eyelashes flutter, resting against his cheekbones. He looks so serene amidst the chaos going on in both of their lives.

 

Chanyeol leans closer and closer, Jongin stills. His nose hits Jongin's shoulder, his lips tickling Jongin's collarbone faintly. He feels Chanyeol inhaling deeply, his breath ghosting over his skin, ticklish and hot all at once. Jongin's hand falls, with Chanyeol's fingers still wrapped around his wrist loosely.

 

“Did you smoke?” Chanyeol inquires, his lips tickle Jongin's collarbone and he's torn between wanting to move away and wanting to stay rooted where he is. Chanyeol sighs against Jongin's shoulder, “I've always hated it.”

 

Jongin gulps. His voice is so hoarse, throat painfully dry, he isn't sure if it's from the smoke or Park Chanyeol. He tries to not focus on the taller boy leaning on him but he's taking up all of his space again, invading into his boundaries.

 

“Did you drink too much?” Jongin counters back. “I've always hated it.”

 

Chanyeol's shaking against him, and Jongin realises that the boy is _laughing_ at him. He hiccups, “I can't help it. I needed my mind off things.”

 

“Did it help then?” Jongin tries pulling away from Chanyeol to look at him properly but the latter groans loudly in his ears, snuggling closer into him. Chanyeol's other hand wraps around Jongin's waist to keep him there, in his arms. His warmth envelopes Jongin entirely, he inhales the alcohol odour off Chanyeol all too sharply.

 

Jongin can't move.

 

Chanyeol hums, it's a lovely sound broken by a few hiccups. Jongin wonders if his eyes are still closed, if he can hear Jongin's heart beating too fast, if he can sense the shivers running down Jongin's arms, spine, everywhere.

 

“Not really,” a hiccup, a chuckle. “I can never take my mind off you.”

 

“What do you mean?” Jongin doesn't trust his own voice, it's too soft for the harsh night.

 

“Baekhyun always thought I was in love with you,” Chanyeol continues, Jongin feels his smile against his neck. He also tastes the smoke on his own tongue, he wants the smoke to cloud his lungs. “Maybe I was.”

 

Jongin's hand wrenches Chanyeol's shirt, his eyes grow misty. The striped shirt crinkles in Jongin's hold, he can hear the beating of his own heart, it's too loud. Everything is too loud. The sound of Chanyeol humming, the crickets of the night, the rustling of the bed, the choked out breaths from Jongin.

 

This is why he hates the sight of drunk Chanyeol; he's too honest, too confusing, and it plays with the strings of Jongin's heart, steering him into the direction of hope again when everything is utterly hopeless. His heart is a stupid, fragile thing, stirred by these words.

 

His eyes drift towards Chanyeol's hand around his wrist, the engagement ring catching the glint of the lamp, albeit shining bright even in the shadows. Reality washes over Jongin in harsh, icy waves, freezing him to his spot.

 

With a shuddering breath, Jongin pushes Chanyeol away, hands clenching around the front of his shirt. The smile on Chanyeol's lips is sad, his eyes are staring directly into Jongin's. A tear threatens to fall but Jongin keeps it in, keeps his words in, keeps pushing Chanyeol off.

 

“You're in love with Baekhyun and he's in love with you,” Jongin says, reminding Chanyeol. The older boy falls backwards, head hitting his pillow. Jongin drags his gaze away, biting his tongue. The next words are too muffled for a drunken Chanyeol to hear, “I've accepted it a long time ago.”

 

The humming begins again and Chanyeol's fingers drum on Jongin's wrist lightly, “Maybe he knows.” Then, Chanyeol starts mumbling something else that Jongin can't hear because everything is ringing in his ears, his vision is blurring too much. Soon enough, the drunken boy falls asleep, snores filling the silence.

 

Jongin unwraps Chanyeol's fingers from his wrist and pulls the blanket over him. The alcohol on his breath is too reminiscent of older times, memories that Jongin wants to erase but Chanyeol doesn't make it easy.

 

He almost never does.

 

Jongin trips before slipping into his bed. He tries to shut his mind off, but his hands are still trembling and coldness seeps into his bones like a familiar friend. His heart is aching too much, his head is spinning, he drinks a glass of water to clear the toxic away.

 

_I can't take my mind off you, either._

 

 

 

 

 

 

It was a farewell party.

 

To be specific, it was Kyungsoo's farewell party. The boy scored an early orientation at a university way out of the city and Baekhyun wanted a party (everyone else voted in favour, Jongin sat out on it, Kyungsoo just wanted Baekhyun to shut up).

 

Jongin was seventeen, worrying about college entrance exams too much, pretending to be fine too hard. Baekhyun pulled him out of his house, dragging him to his truck (old but better than Jongin's 'no car' status) and promising him a great night.

 

Baekhyun was always like that; convincing and charming. Jongin couldn't _not_ fall for his tricks. Even after years of building the friendship between them, days spent in each other's beds and mugging on different exams together, Jongin was _and_ still is immune to Baekhyun's trickery.

 

.He had a way with his words which explained the crowds around him all the time, the admirers chasing after him but Baekhyun was always indifferent. Jongin could say he looked up to him at some point, was in awe at the way he handled everything. Jongin was one of the admirers, only that Baekhyun took care of him fondly like a little brother. Jongin has older sisters but they never talked to Jongin about anything, they were too immersed in their lives to care for him. He was used to being a solo in the family while his sisters were stuck at the hip.

 

Baekhyun shattered that when he stepped into Jongin's life.

 

It was pretty late when Jongin decided to give in, sneaking out of his house at the midnight hour. Thankfully, they were in the summer heat, Jongin was dying out of boredom in the free time he had. Baekhyun was waiting for him outside in his car and Jongin slipped into the passenger seat, frowning.

 

“Why are you going so late though?” Jongin asked, a question as his way of greeting the elder.

 

Baekhyun tapped his fingers against the steering wheel, “I will never be early to a party.” He sounded all mighty that Jongin couldn't help but snort, then he remembered what he had agreed to and the frown was back in place.

 

“It'll be fun!” Baekhyun enthused assuringly, checking the car mirror and fixing his bangs. Jongin stayed quiet, fingers fiddling with the threads of his ripped knee. “Chanyeol will be there so you're not alone after all.”

 

There was a knowing smile on Baekhyun's lips that Jongin wanted to slap off. He hoped the casting shadows disguised the crimson blush painting his cheeks. It was useless, as Baekhyun chuckled lightly at Jongin before swerving out of his driveway.

 

When they stepped through the front door, Baekhyun was quickly whisked away by someone Jongin couldn't recognise and Baekhyun threw him an apologetic glance as he spun away, already involved in a conversation. Jongin stood there for a few seconds, letting the loud, pounding music breeze over him with the scent of newly opened beer cans and bottles and socialising.

 

Baekhyun was right; it was a fun party but Jongin didn't run with that kind of crowd so he advanced towards the porch with a beer can.

 

He could almost lose himself in the darkness, ignoring the life of the party. Sip after sip, Jongin's beer ran dry and he grabbed a bottle instead to keep him company. It was hot, beads of perspiration tickling his nape and he found refuge in the coldness of the bottle and the passing breeze of the night.

 

Jongin was taking his phone out, fingers poised to type an SOS message to Chanyeol but speaking of the devil, he slid next to Jongin with a lazy smile, an easy grip on his beer bottle.

 

“Oh hey,” Jongin jumped at Chanyeol's bass-like voice and relaxed at the sight of him. “I thought you weren't going to come.”

 

Jongin rolled his eyes, “Like I could ever say no to Baekhyun.”

 

“We have to fix that, then,” Chanyeol jokes, nudging his shoulder against Jongin's playfully.

 

There's a bright glint in his eyes, setting fire to Jongin's heart. In the dancing shadows, Chanyeol illuminates with a soft glow, the littlest peek of light skipping over the planes of his face. The alcohol in his system caused Jongin to trip forward, head hitting Chanyeol's shoulder softly. He chuckled, giggled, a hand wrapping around Chanyeol's arm to steady himself.

 

His tolerance had never been that great, Jongin should have thought twice about drinking through the night.

 

“I can and will do anything you ask of me, 'Yeol.” Jongin pointed out with an arch of his eyebrow, a corner of his lips tugging upwards. “You know that better than anyone else.”

 

And it is true; he did and _does_ know that. Chanyeol is Jongin's best friend since childhood in any case, a constant that never strayed far from Jongin. It was almost natural for the tall, elf-eared boy to turn into Jongin's weakness at some point. A weakness that Jongin never liked to admit (except when he's tipsy, it seems).

 

“Anything,” Chanyeol repeated. He blinked his eyes too slowly or maybe it was just Jongin imagining it because everything was moving too slowly. “You'd really do anything for me?”

 

Jongin hummed, nodding in answer. He took a swig of his beer, the coldness filling his throat and quenching the thirst momentarily.

 

“Would you...” for a second, Jongin noticed hesitance in the way Chanyeol bit his lip, the way his eyes fell to the grassy lawn. He watched as Chanyeol inhaled deeply and looked up bravely, a bubble of hope in his irises. “Would you kiss me?”

 

Jongin tensed.

 

The words flew over him, the bubble of hope diminishing in Chanyeol's eyes. Jongin could hear the words echoing in his ears and before even realising anything, he was already leaning in, nose nudging against Chanyeol's cupid bow and his chin tilting upwards to meet Chanyeol's lips halfway. Jongin closed his eyes at the first touch, a sigh.

 

The bottle broke into pieces on the lawn, a loud cry that never mattered to either of them.

 

Chanyeol's mouth was warm and Jongin inched closer to drink in the bittersweet taste of him. It was intoxicating, everything about Chanyeol was intoxicating; the way he draped his hand around Jongin's waist to pull him closer, the way his thumb rubbed against Jongin's cheek so gently, the way he sunk his teeth onto Jongin's bottom lip, eliciting a moan.

 

Jongin's hand cupped Chanyeol's jaw whilst the other clutched onto his thigh for stability. He was falling and falling deeper and Chanyeol's lips was too distracting, his tongue moved against Jongin's and he sighed into Chanyeol's mouth blissfully. They kissed and kissed and when they broke for air, Chanyeol continued to kiss Jongin on his skin, pecking on the corner of his lips, the tip of his nose, his cheeks.

 

Jongin's heart was pounding so so fast and he wasn't sure if it was just him, because with Chanyeol's chest pressed against him, he couldn't tell. Their hearts rocked in tandem, their mouths moved against each other again and they bathed in the warmth of each other.

 

Soon, Jongin began kissing lazily, sleepily. He pressed one last kiss to Chanyeol's ear fondly and he whispered, “Is that the kiss you wanted, 'Yeol?”

 

Before he dozed off on Chanyeol's shoulder, he heard the latter breathing out too loudly, “Yeah, it's more than I asked for.”

 

 

 

 

 

The morning Jongin awakened, he was in Baekhyun's bedroom. A migraine rippled his head apart but the memories flooded him to the brim, a redness spreading up to his cheeks at the thoughts of Chanyeol. The hangover soon afterwards was the biggest pain he had experienced in his seventeen years of adolescence.

 

But the universe decided to prove him wrong by throwing him with a much bigger pain.

 

Heartbreak; in the plainest form of Chanyeol's lips on Baekhyun's with the sunlight illuminating them in the kitchen.

 

Jongin had never heard a heart crack that easily and painfully.

 

 

 

 

 

_meet me in the car once you've freshened up. there's aspirin and water on the table for you._

 

_\- jongin_

 

 

The fish and chips was cold in the morning and pretty old, so Jongin only took a french fry and dumped the rest out. He grabbed his bag and phone before heading out of the motel. With Chanyeol's car keys, he unlocked the vehicle and stuffed his bag in the back seat.

 

It's only past eight in the morning so Jongin takes a walk by the roads, dropping by a convenience store to buy himself a bitter cup of black coffee. It tastes awful, like gasoline and Jongin wonders if it would escalate the fire in his heart. The terrible taste is somehow addicting as he takes sip after sip with his other hand in his pocket.

 

Jongin takes his phone out and clicks on Baekhyun's name in his list of contacts.

 

He listens to the dial tone idly, finds some kind of assurance in the sound strangely and when it leads to voicemail, no one is surprised. Jongin leaves a note though, his throat gritty from the awful coffee and early morning so he comes off harsh at first.

 

Clearing his throat, “Baekhyun.” Jongin pauses, thinking carefully. “I'm sure you're expecting this voicemail right? Well, here it is. I've given in, I'm going to beg you to come back for the wedding.”

 

Pink hues drift into the horizon with white clouds chasing after, it's all lovely and birds are croaking, singing a morose tune of Jongin's life. It's fitting and he is taken aback by the scenery. He stops at a spot on the pavement, stepping back to let a bicycle pass by. A breeze tickles his chin, rustles through his hair gently.

 

A sigh, “Come back, now. Wherever you are, Baekhyun, come back and deal with your fiancée.” Jongin feels his voice crack on the last syllable, “Because I can't do it anymore.”

 

A tone of finality rings through Jongin's ears, signalling the end of his voicemail. Jongin breathes out the last word to the world that doesn't care to listen.

 

“ _Please.”_

 

 

 

 

 

“Is your head feeling better?”

 

Chanyeol rubs at his cheek absent-mindedly, “Not really.” He slumps forward in obvious exhaustion, “My head is going to tear apart. Why did you let me drink?”

 

Jongin ignores the last question and ducks into the back seat to grab a bottle of water he had taken in from the mini fridge in the motel room they stayed in. He slams the door and opens the other to the driver seat. Chanyeol surprisingly doesn't protest, merely slides into the passenger seat quietly and buckles himself when Jongin starts the car.

 

Typing into the GPS of the car system, Jongin answers the question that Chanyeol hasn't voiced out yet, “I figured we should visit Baekhyun's family beach house. Who knows? He could be staying there.”

 

Jongin sneaks a look at Chanyeol and sees the crease in between his eyebrows. The boy parts his lips, “But I don't think so.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because...” Chanyeol starts quietly. “It's where I proposed to him.”

 

Jongin feels the tension rising in the air and he fixates his gaze on the road ahead, gulping the anxiety down forcefully. “Still worth a try,” he repeats Chanyeol's words from before.

 

Jongin catches Chanyeol mumbling, “Let's see.”

 

Silence ensues afterwards as Jongin heads towards the destination. He can remember it all too clearly in mind, the proposal taking place at the beach house where he plays a role in aiding Chanyeol with the preparations. He remembers the nervousness breaking out in goosebumps on Chanyeol's skin, Jongin soothing him by assuring him over and over again. He had felt the distance between Chanyeol and him when Baekhyun had said yes, the rippling effect of Jongin's steps backwards.

 

At the sudden grumble of Chanyeol's stomach, Jongin tells him, “There's some bread in the back if you want.”

 

Chanyeol throws him a thankful glance, Jongin manages a smile. He initially bought the bread to eat later but Chanyeol is sporting a migraine so he figured. He hears Chanyeol tear the packaging open, chewing on the bread with a sigh of bliss. The smile remains on Jongin's face unexpectedly and he presses his lips together to keep it to himself.

 

The traffic isn't that terrible at ten in the morning thankfully, so Jongin speeds down the road, passing by places that are vaguely familiar to the memory he has from months ago.

 

“Take a right turn next,” Chanyeol commands suddenly and Jongin raises his eyebrows in question. “I just want to go to the beach first,” is Chanyeol's reason.

 

Without further questioning, Jongin takes the right turn and drives straight ahead. They are close by, Jongin notices the shops with surfboards, seafood restaurants and it's sparking the memories in Jongin's mind. They went to celebrate at one of these seafood restaurants, Baekhyun picked up the bill and they left early while the newly engaged couple stayed for a few more glasses of wine.

 

Jongin drives into the parking lot behind the beach and parks the car in silence. The engine cuts off and Jongin stares at his hands on the steering wheel, unsure of what to do next. Chanyeol makes the next move, opening the door and getting out promptly. Jongin grabs his phone and wallet, pockets them and joins Chanyeol soon after.

 

The wind hits Jongin immediately and it isn't unpleasant. The smell of the sea lingers in his nostrils, a smell he hasn't breathed in for a long time since. Jongin follows after Chanyeol's back, down the pathway to the beach. Soon, sand slips into his sandals, prickling his skin. He shakes it off but it's useless, more sand fills his sandals and he loses the battle.

 

The light shade of blue paints the sky, the hues sitting comfortably on the horizon where it meets the darker shade of blue, the waves coursing over the ocean. Waves crash onto the shore, the current isn't too strong for spring, a dip in the sea wouldn't freeze Jongin's bones.

 

Chanyeol settles down right on the sand, picking up a few stones and throwing them into the ocean carelessly. Jongin watches, eyes following the momentum of the stones, and sits next to Chanyeol. A few centimetres separate them and Jongin pushes aside the urge to lean against the taller boy for warmth. The spring breeze is colder today, and it's not helpful that they are close to the ocean.

 

“I'm sorry,” Chanyeol begins. Jongin almost didn't hear him over the distracting waves. “For last night.”

 

“Oh, you remembered?” Jongin couldn't help himself, it comes out bitter. He scrapes the thumb of his skin on the sharp edge of a stone in the sand. It doesn't hurt as much as the ache in his heart. “It's okay. I was prepared to forget about it.”

 

“No, it isn't!” Chanyeol turns to Jongin, face contorted into a frustrated expression. He looks hurt, but Jongin isn't certain what _he_ has done to Chanyeol to be on the receiving end of this vented anger. “Nothing is okay! Everything is screwed up, my fiancée is missing, my best friend probably hates me for making the same mistake twice and I'm still a mess.”

 

Chanyeol is breathing heavily now and all Jongin is concentrating on is the meaning behind those words. His breath halts, a scar reopening, a wound fresh once more.

 

“The same mistake?” Jongin repeats softly. The wind carries his words over with grace but all Jongin is trying to do is keep the fury within. “That's all it is to you? A mistake.”

 

Chanyeol's eyes widen, his teeth latching onto his bottom lip in realisation of what he has said but Jongin doesn't pay heed to it. His mind is reeling from the revelation, Chanyeol has never forgotten a single thing from that night years ago. He remembers everything, the kisses, the words exchanged, the shared warmth under the same night sky.

 

Chanyeol remembers and he still decided to throw Jongin away.

 

A knife sits in Jongin's chest and he pulls it out, choking on his own breath. If all the previous pain he had felt was heartbreak, then nothing amounts to this; the most bloody mess that sits next to him and the knife he has drived into Jongin's chest.

 

Jongin's fist is clenched, “Sometimes... I wonder why I ever bothered to be by your side.” He laughs, everything is bitter and he needs a cigarette or two now. “It's unfortunate that I'm in love with you.”

 

Chanyeol parts his lips and closes, clearly speechless. The secret is out, and it leaves Jongin with an awful taste. The waves roar in the background, spring seems so hopeless now, Jongin wants to drench himself in the sea and let it carry him to another shore.

 

Out of a sudden, Chanyeol's fingers touch the end of Jongin's pale yellow scarf, tugging on it tenderly. There is a soft expression on his features, something that Jongin can't fathom after the anger he has spat out.

 

“That's truly unfortunate,” Chanyeol agrees and his voice is smooth against the storm brewing in Jongin's heart. “You shouldn't have fallen for a mess like me.”

 

He gazes upwards into Jongin's eyes and the storm rages on, the fire sizzling and his mind in a disarray. The effect that Chanyeol leaves is never welcoming but Jongin takes it all in any way.

 

“That took you guys long enough,” a voice interrupts the moment and Jongin tears his eyes away to address the intruder to only be speechless further by the face that looms close to both his and Chanyeol's.

 

Byun Baekhyun, in the flesh, stands before them with a smile on his face. He looks healthy, put together, like he didn't try to escape an upcoming wedding in a week. A breeze passes by the three of them, sending the ends of Jongin's scarf dangling in the air, messing up Baekhyun's bangs. Jongin gapes at the sight and Baekhyun's eyes fall, noticing Chanyeol's fingers tracing Jongin's scarf, the close distance between them.

 

Jongin gets up, it feels like the waves are crashing into him, drowning him entirely.

 

He catches the glint of the gem on Chanyeol's engagement ring on his left hand, and it comes back, flooding to him. The lump rises in his throat and they've found Baekhyun, this is where the road ends. It'll turn around again. Jongin steps back, his lips part to mutter an excuse to leave them alone, and spins around on his heel to exit the beach.

 

This love story doesn't involve him, it has never been him. He was merely a replacement, a pawn mixed into their lives.

 

Jongin trips on his way and quickly gathers himself up. He almost scares a kid and he bows low in apology to the parents before scurrying away. Once he reaches the parking lot, Jongin braves himself to turn around and finds that no one followed him, he is alone.

 

His eyes stray to the beach, squinting to find Baekhyun and Chanyeol, and he sees the couple huddled together, foreheads pressed against each other in intimacy. Jongin's mouth runs dry, he swallows thickly and he finds that the cold is merciless on him again. Goosebumps run down his arms and Jongin rubs his arms together, taking in sharp, short breaths.

 

Jongin isn't part of this, he isn't needed here, he has to _go._

 

Without even properly thinking through, he turns around, heads towards the main streets and searches desperately for a bus to Seoul. Jongin can leave his things in Chanyeol's car, they are just clothes, a toothbrush and body mist. They are replaceable, like him.

 

This is not his story to write, to tell, to be in. It has always been Baekhyun and Chanyeol.

 

Jongin leaves without a trace and once he boards a bus, he lets out the longest breath.

 

It has never been him.

 

 

 

 

 

Days turn into weeks and soon, Jongin misses the wedding day, ignoring the phone calls and messages. He only answers to Sehun whom he knows won't rat him out no matter how much of an asshole he is to Jongin on a daily base, he is still a good friend first.

 

That's something Jongin would lie about if you asked him though.

 

Dance has always been his one sanity in life so Jongin takes refuge in it; stepping out onto the streets only to head to the dance academy to conduct dance lessons and have his own dance practices. Jongin has taken the liberty of asking Taemin if he could crash at his place for a while since he's the only friend he knows out of the circle and the only one he knows to stay near the academy. Taemin lets him with the price of Jongin choreographing a piece for one of his upcoming dance competitions.

 

It's dull, mundane but Jongin doesn't complain about it. It's been a while since he allowed himself this luxury. He throws himself entirely into dance and it feels like a vacation from the life he has known all this time. Sehun calls it ' _running away_ ' but Jongin calls it the life he deserved all this time.

 

“ _This is not happiness, Jongin,” Sehun had scolded him over the phone. It was almost amusing to hear Sehun preaching. “You know that this is just an escape. A cowardly one.”_

Jongin wants to argue that he _is_ happy, though not as obvious, but he insists that he is. This routine that he has adapted to in his life is what he wants. He's not a coward, he just stopped being a third party in the love story that never involved him in the first place. Chanyeol never chose him from the start, Jongin knew that.

 

It becomes peaceful, almost, to bicker with Taemin when they're both home and work till his bones tire out in the dance studio. Sure, Jongin may have nightmares and there are dark circles ringing around his eyes now but he is living, he is breathing and he can't ask for anything more. Jongin is done with hoping, it's a painful cycle, his heart can only withstand so much pain.

 

But like all good things, they never last.

 

Jongin stares at his phone now, at the blinking phone call on his screen. He's counting till ten and it stays there, still blinking, still screaming at him to pick up. Jongin hesitates, his finger hovering over the answer button. He is torn and his impulsive nature takes over, pressing firmly on the answer button.

 

“Hello?” Jongin says timidly, biting onto his bottom lip so hard he's shocked it didn't draw any blood.

 

“Were you busy, Jonginnie?” the pet name rolls off on the other end of the phone and Jongin closes his eyes, taking deep breaths to calm his heart. “If I was disturbing one of your dance classes, then I'll call back later.”

 

“No, you weren't,” Jongin replies. He leans his head back against the frame of the bed, feeling the wooden edge dig into his scalp. “What do you want, Baekhyun?” Jongin asks exasperatedly.

 

“Nothing!” Baekhyun answers cheerfully. Jongin can almost imagine the smirk on his face when he says that. “I'm just calling to check up on you.”

 

Jongin sighs out, “You don't have to. I'm fine.” Pursing his lips, Jongin adds, “Congratulations on the wedding. I'm sorry I couldn't be there.”

 

“Are you?” Baekhyun suddenly asks, all provokingly. Jongin should have seen it coming from the moment he answered the phone call. “Are you really sorry?”

 

Jongin's nails painfully dig into his palm when he clenches his fist, his knuckles are whitened. “You know why I can't be there but yeah, I am sorry.”

 

Baekhyun hums on the other end and it's breathy, too close to the speaker. It's loud in Jongin's ears, it almost feels like Baekhyun's next to him, blowing air into his ears like he always does when he tries to annoy Jongin or catch his attention. His heart is suddenly aching, nostalgic for a familiar presence next to him.

 

“Well thankfully, the wedding didn't happen then.”

 

“What?!” Jongin sputters out. He gets up too quickly, his back straightened against the bed frame and it hits his spine too closely. He groans out in pain and rubs his tailbone with a frown. Jongin stares at his phone and presses it against his ear again.

 

“Yeah,” Baekhyun chuckles brightly. It's lighthearted, devoid of any harm. Jongin is confused. “It didn't work out in the end.”

 

Jongin can imagine the elder boy shrugging in answer and he is further perplexed by the reaction. “But I thought... you had it in control? Wasn't this what you guys wanted?”

 

He hears the amusement in Baekhyun's voice when he replies, “This was never what I wanted, Jongin. I specifically wrote on my note that I didn't want a wedding, a marriage with Chanyeol.”

 

Flashbacks of the beach spur in Jongin's mind and he asks quietly after, “What about Chanyeol? Did he not fight for you?”

 

A laugh bubbles out on the other end of the line, “He did but it wasn't worth it. He realised that it isn't what he wanted either.”

 

“What does he want then?”

 

“You,” Baekhyun says simply and it sends a jolt right to Jongin's heart, it has been a while. “And happiness.”

“That's untrue,” Jongin protests, shaking his head even though Baekhyun can't see him. “I was a rebound, replaceable.”

 

Another laugh rings in Jongin's ears and Baekhyun says, his voice so earnest and sincere that it tugs on the strings of Jongin's heart, “Jongin, dear, you were never a rebound. I was the rebound.”

 

Jongin's eyes widen but Baekhyun continues, “Chanyeol really loved you since a long time ago and he thought you didn't. I became his rebound and foolishly thought it was real.”

 

“A part of me has always known that he loves you still,” Baekhyun sighs. “I realised it wholly before the wedding.”

 

 _Baekhyun has always thought I was in love with you,_ Chanyeol had slurred with the alcohol reeking his breath, _maybe I was._

 

All this time. Jongin had thought that all this time, Chanyeol turned to him because he was simply there, always there. He never thought once that Chanyeol would _choose_ him. They've been constants in each other's lives, so tightly woven with each other. Jongin can remember every living memory with Chanyeol, every bruise he brushed against, every tear he wiped with his shoulder for Chanyeol to lean on for comfort, every smile Jongin breathed in, feeling the sun awaken in his body.

 

How foolish, Jongin almost chuckles out loud, drinking in the revelation. Years and years of memorising Chanyeol and his quirks and yet, Jongin ignores the most important detail. How stupid, he hoped so much and to think that his worth was of a pawn next to Park Chanyeol.

 

Jongin's the stupid one.

 

“How about you?” Jongin asks, remembering about Baekhyun. “Don't you love him?”

 

“I do,” Baekhyun answers immediately. “There's no doubt but I've found someone else and it's different.”

 

“That fast?” Jongin arches an eyebrow, he keeps the laughter in. Typical Baekhyun, out and charming others and finding himself in a trap just that quickly.

 

Baekhyun doesn't keep his laughter in, “I've gone through a lot of revelations lately. It seems that we were all foolish human beings in our youth. Especially you and Chanyeol.”

 

“You don't get to say your version of 'I told you so',” Jongin groans. His heart is pounding against his ribcage, it's a reminder that he's alive and there's _hope,_ bright and promising hope of a future with happiness and Chanyeol.

 

“Call him,” is what Baekhyun says, so soft and gentle and it makes Jongin smile wider. The fire settles in his heart, and a gentle breeze tickles his skin. His eyes glisten with bliss, Jongin's legs ache to run out of the apartment and into Chanyeol's arms to say all the things he wants to since he was seventeen.

 

Jongin exhales. His heart feels light.

 

“I will.”

 

 

 

 

 

“Why haven't we gone out on a double date with Kyungsoo and Baekhyun?”

 

Jongin's eyes narrow at Chanyeol, he flicks a french fry at the taller boy. He answers the stupid question, “Because it's awkward and Kyungsoo hates them.”

 

Chanyeol's left eyebrow makes a perfect arch in question, as he munches on the french fry that Jongin threw at him, “How do you know that?”

 

“Baekhyun told me when I asked him before,” Jongin exasperatedly reveals and Chanyeol cackles in laughter.

 

“This is probably why we're dating,” Chanyeol reaches over to press a sloppy kiss on Jongin's cheek. Jongin scrunches his nose in disgust, Chanyeol kisses him there too. “We make bad ideas and we are both idiots. Perfect pairing.”

 

Jongin makes a move to flick at Chanyeol's forehead but the boy catches his wrist and holds him there. His gaze is far too intense and Jongin's breath hitches in his throat. There's something underlying those irises and Jongin can't decipher it yet, he is searching and searching for the answers.

 

They've been dating over two and a half years but to them, it feels like they've been together all this time. It's natural to slide into Chanyeol's chest and rest Jongin's head there like that's where it belongs all the time. Jongin finds that listening to the beating of Chanyeol's heart is his cliché pasttime as a boyfriend, and Chanyeol's favourite is baking in the kitchen (especially when it leads to such a big mess and them kissing the whip cream off each other's faces).

 

Chanyeol is toying with his fingers now and Jongin's eyebrows furrow in both curiosity and confusion.

 

“Hey, wh–”

 

“I have an idea,” Chanyeol suddenly announces and Jongin blinks at that. His mouth closes the gap and he watches as Chanyeol turns his wrist, making his palm face downwards. He digs into the pockets of his sweatpants and pulls out something that Jongin doesn't quite catch at first but when he does, he's breathless, speechless.

 

It perfectly attracts the light of the room, reflecting off it. A kaleidoscope of colours dances around on the gem, it's stunning and Jongin is immediately entranced by it. Chanyeol's thumb rubs over the edge of the gem and he taps it against Jongin's ring finger on his left hand.

 

Chanyeol gazes into Jongin's eyes, all too sweetly and beautifully. Love lingers in those irises and it mirrors Jongin's. Chanyeol leans in, his breath ghosting over Jongin's cupid bow, when he asks, “Wanna get married?”

 

A million thoughts run in Jongin's mind. It's spontaneous, it's sudden and Jongin doesn't even know if he's ready, if they're ready but if there's anything he's sure of is that it's them. It's Jongin and Chanyeol and he's certain of Chanyeol, come what may.

 

“ _You can never say no to him,”_ Sehun had said multiple times and it stays true to this day, a habit that Jongin can and will never break out of.

 

Jongin says yes.

 


End file.
